El Cheapo and Kidd: Mini-Screenplays for Imaginary Mexican Shorts

006INT. – Mexican Jail Cell – Day

‘EL CHEAPO’ GOOSEMAN is a 60-ish Mexican drug lord. He trims his mustache, preening in the mirror. He looks very self-confident, self-absorbed and unconcerned. F. (LOU) ENZA KIDD is an 18 year old American white kid. He doesn’t look too happy, head in hands and no trace of a smile.

‘EL CHEAPO’ GOOSEMAN

Que hiciste?

F. (LOU) ENZA KIDD

(annoyed)

I don’t speak Spanish.

‘EL CHEAPO’ GOOSEMAN

(clipped and deliberate)

What deed jou do, mon? Why are jou here?

F. (LOU) ENZA KIDD

Don’t you know? Everybody else does. I got drunk and accidentally killed some people, so my mother brought me here to escape. What about you?

‘El Cheapo’ CHUCKLES, flicks some hairs from his mustache scissors, then goes right back at it, trimming hairs.

‘EL CHEAPO’ GOOSEMAN

Don’t you know? Everybody else does. I sell drugs. I was the most wanted man in the world… until they caught me—again. But I’ll get out—again.

F. (LOU) ENZA KIDD

I won’t. They’re gonna’ send me back to the US.

‘EL CHEAPO’ GOOSEMAN

That’s where they think they’re sending me—but it’ll never happen. (beat) If you want to stay, then you can stay with me.

Kidd looks up for the first time.

F. (LOU) ENZA KIDD

(upbeat)

Really?

‘El Cheapo’ nods, still trimming chin hairs. SUDDENLY a cacophonous noise begins, of tin cups on steel bars, GROWING LOUDER AND LOUDER, and the voices of nearby PRISONERS.

PRISONERS

Pervertido! Pervertido! Pervertido! Pervertido! Pervertido! Pervertido!

F. (LOU) ENZA KIDD

(to ‘El Cheapo’)

What are they saying?

‘EL CHEAPO’ GOOSEMAN

‘Pervert.’ New prisoner on the way. Sex offender. Probably a child molester. He won’t last long.

‘El Cheapo’s hands grip the scissors he’s been clipping hairs with, as if ready to strike in anger.

The NOISE grows louder as the new prisoner is led forward. HARDIE K is an aging American backpacker, strangely handsome, though balding, and no slouch at the neural synapses, either. JAILERS open his cell, pushing him in roughly, but he doesn’t fall. He sits down, shaking his head—philosophically.

‘El Cheapo’ looks the new prisoner up and down.

‘EL CHEAPO’ GOOSEMAN

Hey pairvairt, how old wass she, jour veecteem?

HARDIE K

(exasperated)

I’m not a pervert. There was no veecteem—victim. I needed to piss, so I whipped it out—to take a piss. That’s all. These tourist cops busted me–Americans–now they say I’m a sex offender. I just needed to take a piss, fer Chrissakes!

‘EL CHEAPO’ GOOSEMAN

What jou mean jou ‘weeped it out’? You mean you cried like a baby—in public, man? That’s deesgusting!”

HARDIE K

Pues, no, hombre! Fijese! Tenia que orinar! Solamente! Por eso sacaba la pinga, en un rincon, afuera de la vista publica!

El Cheapo starts LAUGHING, louder and louder.

‘EL CHEAPO’ GOOSEMAN

Jou’re in yail for taking a peess, mon? Ees that all?

Hardie K nods his head. El Cheapo continues laughing, louder and louder.

‘EL CHEAPO’ GOOSEMAN

(continued)

(loudly, to other prisoners down the corridor)

Es que orinaba, nada mas! Orinaba! Sacaba el pene para orinar. Jajajajaja! He weeped it out to take a peess! Hahahahaha!

The words reverberate up and down the jail corridor. Sacaba el pene para orinar. Jajajajaja! Sacaba el pene para orinar. Jajajajaja! Sacaba el pene para orinar. Jajajajaja! Sacaba el pene para orinar. Jajajajaja!

Even KIDD is laughing now, everybody but HARDIE K, for whom life has taken a silly but nasty turn.

FADE TO BLACK

THE END

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